Expanding Our Understanding of the Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics

In recent years there has been an explosion of groups forming and expanding for adults who had been raised in homes with one or more alcoholic parents. Persons raised in families with other drug addictions or dysfunctional behaviors also frequently attend these groups. This self-help movement, born out of the Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-anon traditions, has been spurred on by the publications of
numerous books by professional helpers. One such book is Janet
Woititz 's Adult Children of Alcoholics. Her writing and speaking has been valuable in helping many people identify dysfunctional characteristics that are a result of being raised in an alcoholic family system.

Benefits

From a professional standpoint the expansion of ACoA groups is a very useful thing, for three reasons. First, it provided a no cost support system to refer current clients to. The group experience helps them to identify problems and get support for addressing these issues in therapy. Secondly, it is a national phenomenon so that once clients leave therapy they have a support network regardless of what area of the country they live in. Finally, these groups help to legitimize the concept of the family systems approach to therapy. The ACoA framework helps people to not only understand how their adult lives and current problems are impacted by their childhood experiences, but also provides an environment conducive to making change.

Woititz's Characteristics
In her book Woititz described thirteen characteristics commonly found in persons who were raised in an alcoholic system:
1. A.C.A.s guess at what normal behavior is.
2. A.C.A.s have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.
3. A.C.A.s lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
4. A.C.A.s judge themselves without mercy.
5. A.C.A.s have difficulty having fun.
6. A.C.A.s take themselves very seriously.
7. A.C.A.s have difficulty with intimate relationships.
8. A.C.A.s overreact to changes over which they have no control.
9. A.C.A.s constantly seek approval and affirmation.
10. A.C.A.s usually feel that they are different from other people.
11. A.C.A.s are super responsible or super irresponsible.
12. A.C.A.s are extremely loyal even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.
13. A.C.A.s are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsivity leads to
confusion, self-loathing, and loss of control over their environment.
In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up
the mess.

Anyone who has worked with ACoA will recognize how frequently these characteristics appear in their clients. However, just as frequently we have found that some people from dysfunctional families have exactly the opposite attitudes and behaviors. In many cases, an individual will display both styles of behavior, depending on the situation. Therefore, we suggest that it is important to add to Woititz's list of characteristics to make it more complete. At this point, the majority of her thirteen characteristics represent only one end of a wide continuum of behaviors and attitudes.
In addition, some clients read Woititz's work and mistakenly think that recovery means to act in ways that are the opposite of the characteristics she outlines. They miss the point that behavior on either end of the continuum is self-defeating.

The Other End Of The Continuum

One of Woititz's characteristics already fits the model we are promoting. She states; "A.C.A.s are super responsible or super irresponsible." This statement acknowledges that there is more than one reaction possible and that going to either extreme is self-defeating. We propose that the work Woititz and others have started be expanded and further defined. Towards that end we offer the following comments to her thirteen characteristics.

1. Rather than guessing at what normal behavior is many ACoAs assume that the dysfunctional behavior that they were forced to live with is in fact normal, even desirable and assume that everyone's family was identical to their family. Even when they intellectually acknowledge that their family was dysfunctional and hurtful to them they have difficulty grasping this reality on an emotional level. They are often highly resistant to the idea that their current problems are related to past experiences within the family.

2. Although some ACoAs have problems finishing things, others will refuse to stop working on a project or relationship until it reached their predetermined outcome, regardless of what this effort is doing to them or others. They don't know when to quit.

3. While some ACoAs compulsively lie, many are compulsive about honesty, even when it hurts themselves and others. Frequently people new to recovery think that having an "honesty program" means you are supposed to tell everyone, everything. This lack of boundaries and limits causes the person to reveal thoughts and emotions at inappropriate times and places. This behavior is be seen by others as immature, tactless, rude or even frightening.

4. Whereas many ACoAs are perfectionist when it comes to them, just as many refuse to take responsibility for their action and blame others for any problems. This view of life keeps them with a sense of helplessness as they think, "It's your fault I'm this way and I have to stay like this until you do something about it." They assume a victim role throughout their life. In our opinion, recovery is learning what is your responsibility and what isn't.

5. In dysfunctional families it is often difficult to have fun while at home, but once out of the house many ACoAs are very skilled at enjoying themselves. Having fun during holidays may be difficult for ACoAs since holidays remind them of past painful experiences with the alcoholic(s) in their family of origin. Some ACoAs may have difficulty expressing their joy since they have leaned to hide it as children so that the family could not invalidate it.
Some ACoAs use having fun as a way to avoid looking at their pain; the group members who insist that when the group goes on a retreat that it is non-stop fun. They avoid slowing down long to begin to experience their pain. They often avoid meditation or other spiritual activities, seeing them as boring.

6. Some ACoAs do not take themselves or any aspect of their lives at all seriously. They minimize their pain and other emotions and may laugh about their discomfort. They do not take themselves seriously enough.
They are disrespectful in group settings since they make jokes about other group members' painful situations. They encourage others to "Lighten up, forget the past, look on the bright side!" These are the group members that will crack a joke just as someone else is on the verge of tears or is about to express some anger about their childhood. They may also not treat their spouse's and children's pain as significant. This behavior continues the dysfunction of their family of origin. They were raised by adults who were emotionally neglectful due to being preoccupied with alcohol and its consequences. Now as adults these ACoAs have become emotionally neglectful and abusive because they are unable to respond to their children emotional needs with anything other than jokes or other forms of minimization.

7.Usually it is true that ACoAs have difficulty with intimacy. The manner in which it is true varies however. Some ACoAs are so defended and walled up that they are unable to get emotionally close to anyone.
Others have few boundaries and act inappropriately close early in relationships and with strangers. Still others are open and honest with casual relationships only to but shut down and withdrawn with lovers, spouse, children or other family members. To the casual observer they appear able to form close relationships, but in fact, merely act intimate, without actually experiencing significant emotional bonding.

8. ACoAs can over-react to changes over which they have no control and they can also under-react to things they do have control over. (This ties in with number 6.) They may also act as if they do not have control over anything, even the things they do. Again, this keeps them acting in a helpless victim posture. In terms of the Serenity Prayer they tend to see everything in terms of "accepting the things they cannot change." They can take this to the extreme of being passive and just accepting their life as it is and refuse to take any action to make changes in themselves.

9. While some ACoAs act very needy, others act as if they have no need for anyone's approval or affirmation. And when they are being affirmed they may minimize it or somehow view it as criticism. These people are distrustful when someone is being supportive and tend to view it as a manipulation, rather than a sincere attempt to be kind.

10. The implication that ACoAs "feel" that they are different from others and that they feel worse than others. Many view themselves as different in that they are better than others.
Some ACoAs not only do not see themselves as different from others but tend to take what is true for them and make it true for the rest of the world as well. When these people get into a helping situation such as being a sponsor or a counselor they overlook individual differences and see everyone in the manner that they see themselves. "When I was early in recovery I had to avoid all contact with my parents, that's just the way it is. That's what you'll have to do too."

11. ACoAs can be super responsible and super irresponsible. For example, in a single counseling session an individual can go from believing that all of the marriage problems are her fault to the other extreme that they are her partner's entire fault. Neither of these views is true, they are both forms of denial. This is the grandiosity/shame swing. The person goes from "I am a god, have no faults and have done no wrong." to "I am scum, and all I touch is destroyed."

12. Sometimes family loyalty does not take the form of acting like the other members of the family. In these cases the loyalty is shown by rebelling which keeps the person reacting to, and therefore connected with, the family system. The person is required to act the opposite of what the family appears to want in order to rebel. Sometimes the person must take part in self-abusive behaviors or not take part in self-enhancing behaviors in order to remain a rebel. For an example, some people refuse to go to therapy because a family member suggested it or another family member has gone to therapy. Many ACoAs have difficulty being loyal to anything or anyone. Once a relationship begins to become intimate they become frightened that they will lose their identity or freedom and end the relationship.
A great number of ACoAs will not trust others regardless of the evidence that these people are trustworthy. This mistrust can also be aimed at one's self. Some ACoAs do not trust their own opinions, emotions, thoughts or view of reality. They are constantly questioning themselves and lack confidence. They struggle with their emotions, saying, "What am I supposed to feel?" or "What should I feel?"

13. Instead of being impulsive some ACoAs are overly controlled and lack spontaneity. Others are compulsive and are driven to act, rather than consciously choosing their behavior.
Summary
The early writings on ACoAs have usually focused on the more "co-dependent", victim orientated responses. It is equally important to look for those persons who have identified with the more aggressive controlling person(s) that they grew up with and notice how they have similar behaviors. If this dynamic is not addressed ACoAs will continue the cycle of abuse and neglect, hurting themselves and others, all the while wondering what is missing from their recovery. Since currently the ACoA self-help groups tend to focus on the behaviors at only one end of the continuum, it is the responsibility of counselors to help educate clients to all of the responses common to the experience of being raised in an alcoholic family and to offer alternative options to these extremes.

References
Woititz, Janet. Adult Children of Alcoholics. Hollywood:Health Communications, Inc. 1983.

Dr. Mic Hunter is the author of numerous books including Abused Boys:
The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse, and Honor Betrayed: Sexual Abuse In America's Military. Terry Kellogg the founder of New Life Family Workshops.

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Expanding Our Understanding of the Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics