Addicted To Sex?
By Liz Cervio
The first requirement for any substance or behaviour to become addictive is that it causes pleasure, which is why we don't find ourselves addicted to going to the dentist or changing flat tyres in the pouring rain or taking cod liver oil.
Sex, by its very nature, has the potential to be an addictive behaviour. Since mammals are biologically and neurologically designed to experience pleasure during and after sex, it is natural that sometimes it turns into an addiction that robs the addict of pleasure and leaves emptiness and pain in its stead.
Most people first experience sexual sensations in childhood. Without the inhibitions and rules that are part of socialisation, children will explore their bodies and those of other children without shame or inner censure. Masturbation, peer sex play and curiosity are all very normal.
Sex addiction also often has roots in childhood and adolescence. Up to 60% of people with sex addiction were abused by someone before they reached adulthood (Book, 1997, pp52). When a sexual behaviour is being acted out with recurrent failures to control it and continued despite significant harmful consequences to the addict, it meets the criteria for an addiction.
This disorder has many faces and may manifest with compulsive masturbation, sex with multiple partners, anonymous sex, multiple affairs while in a committed relationship, viewing pornography compulsively, viewing illegal pornography, habitual exhibitionism or voyeurism, acting in a sexual manner with someone who is underage, using coercion and/or power to manipulate others into sex, high risk sex, pain exchange sex and even sexually compulsive episodes interspersed with periods of sexual avoidance.
As it progresses, the addiction offers diminishing returns; that is, the "high" decreases and the shame and emptiness increase. When the addict or loved ones try to understand it all, it's elusive, it just doesn't make sense. "Contrary to enjoying sex as a self affirming source of physical pleasure, the addict has learned to rely on sex for comfort from pain, for nurturing or relief from stress" (Carnes, 1991, pp34).
Addiction is a progressive disorder; addictions worsen over time, become more severe and eclipse more of the addict's life. Eventually, what was once experienced as salvation becomes a prison. Life becomes very small and lonely.
Recovery often begins with the admission that there is a problem. That is the key that unlocks the prison door. Stepping out takes courage, and involves seeking help. This is often made even harder for the sex addict because of the intense shame that often accompanies this particular addiction. The 12 Step programs are often the safest place to seek help; SLAA and SAA meet regularly in most urban areas and are based on the idea that one addict helping another is the most effective and time proven way to recover.
Therapy and treatment are also potentially very helpful. Sex addiction is often interwoven with other issues, such as early trauma, deprivation, neglect and possibly depression, anxiety and longstanding relationship and intimacy problems.
Healing from an addiction requires great personal courage as well as support from others. It is not a journey that is meant to be undertaken alone. If you or someone you care about is struggling with sex addiction, reach out.
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