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Hole in my soul

I had a hole in my soul and wanted to fix it. Only I did not know how. Being so proud I was not able to ask for help instead I was self medicating with alcohol and drugs. I had been raising my son alone and it was getting on top of me. I had just thrown his 2nd birthday party and instead of being present and enjoying it with him I was all over the place, mentally and physically. I could not cope with life and death was catching up with me. I knew I had to do something and I knew I had to do it fast; I had reached my rock bottom.
My mother and a few close girlfriends realized where I was emotionally, found Life Works on the internet and encouraged me to go there. So off I went sad, scared and baffled, not wanting to leave my son for five weeks but also not wanting the alternative; to die.

At first I kicked and screamed literally. Walking out of my first process group and slamming the door like a child that had never grown up. I was dwarfed emotionally, did not know how to act as a responsible adult and was not aware that I, like many others, had a disease that wanted to kill me.
I soul searched and gained an understanding of the disease of addiction, how it effected me and those around me. With the help of the group process, a painful life story and the support and guidance of the Life Works councilors and the other clients I started to pick up the pieces of my life.

It was the hardest work I had ever done and the most painful but I worked and worked and the results are powerful.
A year on and I am still working hard on my recovery with the help of AA meetings, my sponsor and the steps. I have just celebrated my 1st birthday and my son's third birthday where I was present and myself.
My son has his mummy back, my mother has her daughter back and I have my self back.
When I look back I see how far I have come. This time last year I was a chain smoking drug addicted alcoholic. Today I don't smoke (I quit at Life works to get my money's worth!), I'm clean and sober and simply tell people how I am feeling instead of hiding behind all that poison!

Most simply I am myself and who I always wanted to be. A whole me.

Milica

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Hole in my soul