I had a hole in my soul and wanted to fix it. Only I did not know how. Being so proud I was not able to ask for help, instead I was self-medicating with alcohol and drugs. I had been raising my son alone and it was getting on top of me. I had just thrown his second birthday party and instead of being present and enjoying it with him, I was all over the place, mentally and physically. I could not cope with life, and death was catching up with me. I knew I had to do something and I knew I had to do it fast; I had reached my rock bottom.
My mother and a few close girlfriends that realised where I was emotionally, found Life Works on the Internet and encouraged me to go there. So off I went sad, scared and baffled, not wanting to leave my son for five weeks but also not wanting the alternative - to die.
At first I kicked and screamed, literally. Walking out of my first process group and slamming the door like a child that had never grown up. I was dwarfed emotionally, did not know how to act as a responsible adult and was not aware that I, like many others, had a disease that wanted to kill me.
I soul searched and gained an understanding of the disease of addiction, how it affected me and those around me. With the help of the group process, a painful life story and the support and guidance of the Life Works counsellors and the other clients, I started to pick up the pieces of my life. It was the hardest work I had ever done and the most painful but I worked and worked and the results are powerful.
A few years on and I am still working hard on my recovery with the help of AA meetings, my sponsor and the steps. My son has his mummy back, my mother has her daughter back and I have my self back.
When I look back I see how far I have come. This time a few years ago, I was a chain-smoking, drug-addicted alcoholic. Today I don't smoke (I quit at Life works to get my money's worth!), I'm clean and sober and simply tell people how I am feeling instead of hiding behind all that poison!
Most simply, I am myself and who I always wanted to be. A whole me.
